Deidream #53: Broke as a Joke
I'm no longer coping with our (broke)nness with humor. We deserve better.
ANCESTRAL RIGHTS
Words of wisdom from those who came before.
“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.”
THE MAIN COURSE
Why I’m here. What I’m mulling over.
If I am allowed to remix an ancestor….
If you make a joke of your pain, others will laugh and say you deserve it.
We moved from silence to satire.
I agonized and laughed and laughed like I was dying because I was.
But.
I’m no longer the girl who will nervously fill silences with self-deprecation or verbal diarrhea as a public humiliation ritual to earn admiration. I am no longer the friend who delights and enables emotional agony with a giggle.
“Here’s some fucked up shit that happened to me and a relatable meme about it for the group chat.”
I can no longer laugh to keep from crying. I prefer my tears flow where they must.
I do not band-aid where I’m bleeding out.
I told jokes at my poorest.
I told jokes at my most afraid.
I told jokes for years when I wasn’t even in my body.
We told jokes on the internet about the worst things imaginable because we were “coping,” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I consumed jokes from the internet to fill an increasing need for distraction from the ache. Now, I can no longer brush past the painful truths hidden behind a barbed joke or a smile that doesn’t reach the eyes. Instead, I offer a quiet “this is really painful” and allow the silence of the moment to twist and warp under its own weight. I allow the gravity of what is happening to me and around me to pull me closer to understanding and maturity.
I’ve stopped making jokes about what hurts me and have sought to stop making jokes about what I know is hurting others.
No, I don’t want to continue sharing memes about trauma.
No, I cannot stomach another TikTok where the punchline is “I am not okay.”
No, I can no longer tolerate therapy-speak as avoidance of the ugliest but most necessary truths begging to be beheld.
No, I don’t want another reel about being broke.
No, I don’t want to endure a lifetime of hurt people hurting people.
I won’t make my ache a punching bag punchline.
I won’t make your hurt a punchline either.
I won’t be a laughing, clapping spectator to your spin-out.
I don’t and won’t raise glasses and toast to our mutual dysfunction.
I have spent years finding the places I am jagged and cutting myself open on their edges to heal. I will not undercut my evolution by sitting in collective grief and misery and ignoring what they are trying to teach us.
“Lighten up.”
No.
I will not make light of the darkest parts of living when there is work to be done to ensure our children’s children’s children do not suffer our fate. I will not make light of the darkest parts of living when our ancestors were literally robbed.
When I called myself my ancestor’s wildest screams1, I meant that I’m tired of us getting our ass beat by gestures widely and after watching this world play in my face, my parents’ faces, and My People’s Faces, I am no longer asking nicely.
I’m coming for what we are owed and I’m not laughing about ts no more.
I will no longer use humor as an armor of avoidance when I risk losing my voice and legacy entirely. Instead, I’ll make sure my voice and legacy as an artist are ironclad and razor sharp.
Aka, consider this my
I’m haunted by the ghosts of my ancestors and yours who deserved better.
For her lifetime of brilliance and curiosity, Hurston died poor. Her funeral, undoubtedly filled with love, was funded entirely by donations.
A scholar, a genius, a Griot…
…and for lack of something as………..maddeningly inconsequential as money, time took her memory and buried it deep into the soil before she reached 60.
Laid to rest in an unmarked grave in a cemetery the Wilds reclaimed.
Her story isn’t even particularly unique.
How many Titans who dedicated their lives and their genius to our collective knowledge, entertainment, and betterment lived and died POOR AND UNSUPPORTED (OFTEN UNCELEBRATED) UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE?
How many were pushed around and to the brink and ousted by man-made devils disguised as a functioning society?
Phillis Wheatley, Vincent van Gogh, Billie Holiday, Bobby Driscoll, Julia de Burgos, Claude Monet, Antonio Vivaldi, Sammy Davis Jr., Marvin Gaye, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Judy Garland, Gary Coleman, Charlie Parker, Oscar Wilde, Whitney Houston, Herman Melville, so many more…..
A lot of these people died before even making it to 40. Many before 50. With a few exceptions, most were gone before 60.
FUCK THAT.
I am running from a similar fate, and I refuse to meme about it. Ain’t shit funny, actually.
(Artists who are starving, sharpen your teeth today. We have work to do.2)
I refuse.
I refuse.
I will dare to take my healing and betterment seriously, and the healing and betterment of the lives that touch mine seriously as well.
And that includes (unironically) getting this fuckin’ bread up for all of us.
Broke as a joke?
God forbid.
Onward.
BOO! TOMATO, TOMATO!
Hateration in the dancery as a healing practice.
Capitalism.
NERD (AFFECTIONATE) + TOUCHING GRASS
Whatever nerdy shit I’m into lately + A nature hobby that keeps me grounded.
WHOO HOOOOOO.
Spring semester is AFOOT! I started a four-month gardening and civics course to learn about the intersection of greening, community building, and city government. It’s also my first official year as a certified volunteer gardener at the botanic garden. Wish me luck. 🤍
It’s also already time to start my seedlings for my late-spring / summer bed in my community garden, and I started Astro 102, too.
February is gonna be a blast.
THE SACRED TEXTS
Something I read that shaped me.
I really, really enjoyed this piece!
I also like that Hurston has been top of mind for the scholars I know personally and for a couple I’ve enjoyed reading on Substack.
Inspired by us, I’m revisiting Their Eyes Were Watching God and crying a lot. It’s awesome.
THE CAMERA GOES ‘POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP’
A cool picture I took or a photo that moved me.
I was putting together the 2026 edition of my photography portfolio when this photo stood out. I’d taken it on November 20th, 2023. I posted this to IG.
Nature has been answering my prayers and holding me in my grief this whole time. And I wouldn’t be me without trying to love it back with every picture I take.
Got my new camera, so expect some really gorgeous photos this year while I learn with it. 📸
MUSE BEHAVIOR
A song I’ve had on repeat lately
Enen no Shouboutai (aka Fire Force) is completing its final arc this anime season, and though I have DEEPLY complicated feelings about that show that I’ll get to later, it gave me one of the bangiest bangers to ever banger.
“Act like you've only done good
Unfairly misunderstood
Play the victim, it's so you, what's new?
Lie after lie after lie
We all stopped counting the crimes
You know why we can't trust you, don't you?
Your crooked desire left us in disarray
Misguided, divided, at the point of no return
You started a fire, you're gonna watch it burn
Try to save yourself like you always do
Every bridge we build
You think it's yours to burn it down, just burn it down
When everything is gone
You'll wish you only heard us out, heard us out”
SCREEN TINGS
Something I watched that moved me.
DYNAMITE KISS
I liked this show, but I won’t recommend it without first critiquing it because of its fatal flaw:
The trope of the poor, overworked young woman and the tragic chaebol who ends up (for no reason at all) becoming an abusive boss during their misunderstanding arcs.
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEIR CHEMISTRY WAS REALLY CRAZY FROM THE GET GO AND NEITHER ONE OF THEM KNEW WHY…(lol)
It’s a good one with commentary on…
Classism - a huge theme and recurring motif across South Korean media tbh, and for good reason. We should be paying attention to how many shows about corrupt politicians, organized crime, and abusive corporations come out of South Korea and what they are saying.
Motherhood and Fatherhood - A ton of dramas feature parents or mothers as supporting characters, but the unpaid labor of Motherhood and what it means to be a working mother is given a ton of spotlight. The role of kind Fatherhood in the development of a child is also explored as a major motif.
What We Owe Our Parents / What We Owe Ourselves - Both leads are caretakers of their mothers — one struggling to hold his mother’s trauma after life in a gilded cage. The other, after a lifetime of financial instability, is struggling to come of age and start a career in time to provide a comfortable retirement for her mother. And sometimes, you’d do anything to take care of your parents, even if you end up putting your happiness on the back burner. But. That’s no way to live, either.
Environmentalism - The world we leave behind for our children is also featured heavily. Will come back to that later.
Spousal Abuse - A powerful man has a child out of wedlock and abuses everyone he can hold power over while maintaining a spotless public face? GASP!
Suicide, Recovery, and Mental Health - Another recurring theme in South Korean media across many genres, but one I find heavily deployed in a ton of romances of the last 15 years. I believe we owe the creatives of South Korea our undivided attention when it comes to commentary on suicide, considering how many young entertainers in the K-Pop and drama spaces have died in the last decade, especially.
Reclamation of Self in the Face of Misogynistic Abuse - The moms in this one are so freaking great, but one mom in particular had me WEEPING in my house.
…and more.
WHICH IS WHY IT’S SO DISAPPOINTING THAT THE POWER IMBALANCE BETWEEN THE MALE AND FEMALE LEAD IS NEVER RECKONED WITH. HE ALLEGEDLY IS IN LOVE WITH HER BUT REGULARLY ABUSES HIS POWER AS HER WEALTHY NEPO-BABY BOSS.
THE FACT THAT SHE IS POOR IS A DRIVING PART OF THE PLOT (a lot of media does this a ton tbh), AND THEN HE HOLDS IT OVER HERRRRRR.
He needed his ass beat at least once for doing her like that.
BUT GOD. They are so gorgeous together, and I loved the rest of the story.
So yeah.
8/10 when it could’ve been a perfect score. I’ll be revisiting this one, so stay tuned.
P.S, I LOVE YOU
Just a final thought.
I’m looking you dead in ya eyes.
If you’re a fellow brokie with a bone to pick with the Interesting Times, don’t stop making the art. Don’t stop building what is calling you to build it. Tell our descendants your story and let us tell them The Truth. Do it on the clock, between jobs, or on the weekends if you have to.
Do not let Them tie your voice and your worth and your power to your money. When it’s your turn, give $20 to another artist, and we gon be alright.
FUCK ICE, hug ya homies, pass the dutchie pon de lef han side.
Read my The Nightmare entry.
Read my STARVING ARTIST entry.
No more witty commentary as a stand-in for legitimate anger! They will hear our dissent